Ages WHAT and up? – Nipple Torture Megatron

Wow.  That title might actually knock off ‘Google, Econ, and The Frito Bandito’s Speedo’ as the one that pulls in the strangest search engine visits. (Yes, I can see what you were searching for when you came here, you dirty dirty basement dwellers.)

Sometime before Easter this year, my future Mrs. and I wandered down the regular candy isle of a K-Mart when we found a couple of transformer sucker holders. You know the things, like a pez dispenser only it usually has a rotating sucker on the top, driven by batteries that also make a Marvel or movie character move an arm or something. I’ve seen a lot Spider-Man and Batman ones before. Instead, though, these were a couple of rock-em sock-em style robots done up to look like Megatron and Optimus Prime. No batteries, but when the Transformers faction symbol on each was pressed their heads would pop up.

Something of a ‘That’s odd. Hey, twizzlers!’ thing, or at least it would’ve been, had we not noticed something entirely disturbing.

Something that turned this from a $4 sucker holder thinly disguised as a toy to something that I actively wanted to purchase.


There’s Megatron, seemingly ready to punch the crap out of Optimus, or another Megatron… But no, I only bought one. First, it was $4, and had a tm stamp of 2006 so it’s not like I was gonna trust the sucker as being edible. Second, I wouldn’t want people to think he had a punching action. With no one to punch, the truth is obvious.

He pulls his own nipples.

Yes. That’s it, look at that picture, take it all in… Push the rods on his back and he slowly stretches out his nipples, looking so intent on the obvious pleasure of the pain, and then move your thumb out of the way and they snap back into his chest.

It is so very hard not to imagine the maniacal voice of Frank Welker’s Megatron, ranting on about world domination whilst pulling on his nipples.

What? It’s not like the guy had a mustache to twirl or anything. Facial hair on a robot would just be silly.

It’s really quite disturbing to play around with. I’ve found it’s an excellent way to show off my collection to non-fan friends, especially ones who are a little iffy on collecting as a whole. Nothing says, ‘serious adult collector’ like masochistic robo nurples.

~Matt Booker

15 thoughts on “Ages WHAT and up? – Nipple Torture Megatron

  1. I keep seeing those things on the clearance rack at Kmart… they tempt me with their wrongness. So very, very wrongness.

    But they like being wrong. They’re dirty, dirty wrong. Show me how dirty you are. Tell me about your detachable stock. Mmm, yeah, now call me Starscream. We’re going to engage in a private little power struggle, aren’t we Megatron? Looks like you need a replacement fusion cannon there. I got just the thing…

    … no, I think it’s probably best that I don’t get them.

  2. hahahaahahaha, whats up Matt. I was bored so i thought id drop by and i remembered this article so i had to come see it again because you showed me it that one day in class but yea i love it

Leave a Reply