Ramble about Love

This is a quick response to Esoteric’s post.

You know, I used to pine and be a depressed wounded poet, lamenting and yearning and all that.

Love, when you don’t have it, but truly want it, is a grand, desperate thing of cosmic emoportions. It’s the wound that can only be healed by that which cuts you deepest.

When you have it, and I mean truly have it, it just is.

It’s the easiest thing in the world, and it swallows you up so completely it’s like it was always there.

It’s not an obsession- one might just as well be obsessed with breathing.

It’s you, and another.

Humans are permeable- heart and mind and soul.

Oh, there’s lots of things that are really close to love, things that shine as bright as almost anything, blinding us to see deep fractures as worthwhile imperfections, things that cause chemical reactions in the brain akin to chocolate (I do not like chocolate.), and cause young poets to muddle about and wallow in misery when shit don’t shine so long as they thought it should.

But true love? It’s quite possibly the best thing in the world, but you hardly even notice, because it just is. It’s not a struggle, though it might be at first (villains and circumstance must be overcome, even if circumstance and villain are distance and introduction), but once you’re easy into it it’s a part of you.

I had no confidence, settled on things, shined up shit, and figured things were good enough.

But once I actually became a man, learned the great secret of confidence, the cosmic trick of balls, and believed in myself… Life and Fate and God rewarded me.

I’m pretty fucking kick ass. I’m humble about it, though. :) But I know, and once I walked the walk and found really who I was, the missing piece of me fell into place and I found my Melody.

Love is easy, even if it’s hard at first.

Now all that pain and pining that used to be so SRS BZNS seems so… silly. To weep rose petal tears of bitter blood and aspire a heart’s desire with the weight of the birth and ruin of whole worlds, a magnitude the work of gods! Love seemed such a difficult, desperate, grand thing…

And the irony? Now, I know it is the grandest thing of all, and it is so very easy.

~Matt Booker

14 thoughts on “Ramble about Love

  1. “But once I actually became a man, learned the great secret of confidence, the cosmic trick of balls, and believed in myself… Life and Fate and God rewarded me.”

    It’s funny because you have none of these things.

    Especially God. He thinks you’re a dork.


    … seriously though, there is a certain humor in talking about “real” manhood and love, what with the stereotype being that “real” men don’t talk about sissy stuff like emotions.

    But… tsk tsk, you’ve been slacking off lately. You need to post some more funny/disturbing/toy stuff. Stop ignoring your duties to the intertubes!

  2. Oh, ha ha. :p

    You see if Fate rewards you with me finding\hiding a sweet tf for you again, ala Bludgeon. :)

    No comment on ‘the cosmic trick of balls’?

    And this week Melody and I are learning how to bake a wedding cake. As the wedding gets closer, the blog may be a bit neglected but it’ll still be updated.

    ~Matt Booker

  3. Wait… you don’t think “Matt’s Misadventures in Baking Disturbing Baked Goods” is blog-worthy?

    And as for cosmic ball tricks, some of us are born with the talent, and some learn it.

  4. A good few years ago I knew a girl. I worked with her at a local Youth Council, it was one of those ideas the government comes up with to get people interested in local politics. After working with and knowing her for two years (teasing her about he favourite Harry Potter book) I realised that I liked her. A lot. She was beautiful, smart, not afraid to argue you down when she thought you were wrong and clearly crazy in her own way. Even on the rare times I hear from her these days she hasn’t changed, wearing her heart on her sleeve and not caring one jot what people think.
    She never found the status quo, at she wasn’t with the popular “in crowd” and just did and said what she wanted. That takes a certain bravery I admire. I truly did, and in many ways still do, love her.

    Of course I’m about as repugnant as a elephants anus and when I tried to tell her how I felt I got the old one two sucker punch to my emotional gut. First she already knew, I wasn’t that subtle after all and secondly one of my Judas inspired friends also figured it out and told her. So there I was, hoping I’d at least have surprise on my side and it turns out she had been looking for a chance to let me down easy.

    Needless to say that was that as far as she was concerned. I tried to accept it and move on. As you can guess that failed. The worst thing is what happened after. She was uncomfortable to be around me, often just dashing off. Oh she was polite and friendly but there was a wall between us that’s just gotten bigger.

    Since then she’s had two long term boyfriends the first broke her heart to the point where I could have killed him (no really I practically sharpened knives for the act) and the one she has now. The one she has now I wouldn’t be surprised if I find an engagement notice in the paper tomorrow. At least that’s the last I’ve heard of her, we’ve drifted apart and I still cry thinking about her.

    As for love I don’t know who or what I’d be if I didn’t love at least something or someone. I believe love is a corner stone in a persons life. It holds your life together, but at the same time you need more than just one corner. You need to be loved and feel it. You need to know happiness. You need to know despair and loneliness. You need all of these look into the future and build your life higher.

    I can feel glad that I’ve loved someone, in that shining moment I could split mountains with a glance. The stars were mine to marvel at and they have never been so bright. Life was so much sweeter for a fleeting second and that alone was worth the heartbreak.

    That’s love. At least I hope it was.

  5. The human experience can be a sticky wicket, wot?

    Honestly, out of all the crap I’ve had to go through in my life, looking back there’s so many lessons I could’ve told my younger self about… but then I wouldn’t have learned them.

    So for all the pain and misery I endured, and the accompanying grand and desperate perceptions of love that were involved, I wouldn’t change a thing. A hard road walked is worth a good destination.

    So really, I hope that someday you’ll be easy in love and looking back on your own life’s pain to think, ‘how silly, and yet how necessary.’

    My best advise would be to move on and don’t pine so much. That always seemed like such a jerk ass thing to hear people say (especially when they’re saying it to you and you are mired in the middle of a bunch of srs bzns and think they totally don’t grasp the grand and desperate thing that is your unrequited love [I say that from experience.]), but… It’s true.

    And the crap thing of it? There’s no getting around understanding the truth of it until you’re looking back on it and in a better situation.

    So have confidence! Have self worth!

    Yeah, I know that’s an easy thing to say, but the cosmic trick of balls is that it really is that easy, and that each of us is the only thing that makes it difficult.

    Still, master your balls (cosmically, of course) and you’ll have a much more kick ass time at things.

    ~Matt Booker

  6. Urm, thanks for that. My ego might not be titanic but it hasn’t sank completely (mixed metaphor, sorry)

    The point I was trying to make about love was that even when it’s at it’s most painful, as my example showed, it’s still worthwhile. Even after all the emotional pain I can take a step back and say it was a good experience.

    Thanks for getting back to me and keep up the good work

  7. I think I get what Matt was aiming for here. And Thomas, you said you still cry thinking about her and said you were as repugnant as an elephant’s anus…… Sooooooo Matt probly thought you might need some cheering?

    I figured you missed the point. His whole post was about how looking back all that putting unrequited feelings up on a desperate [Matt, you used that word alot, by the way.] pedestal seemed really silly, and you post about doing just that. :)

    But I think thats a stage all good hearted boys go through, so don’t feel bad about that.

    People do need to know sorrow and sadness to have a baseline though. It lets you know how good you really have it. So you are spot on there.

    And you had some nice metaphors.

    Of course I’m one to talk about love like that. If it doesn’t involve rubber corsets and hot wax why am I paying for it?


  8. Thomas, I getcha. I didn’t mean to infer that you were a sad sack or anything (and I don’t think he missed the point, Tophat).

    Though she is right about the crying bit. Whether it was an aside or not, that stuck and dribbled through the whole of your response so I did figure you needed a little cheering.

    Regardless, though. I agree that the depth of the human experience involves having known (and rose triumphantly from) sorrow.

    I guess I was more talking about how I used to wallow in it, and how that’s not a good thing to do. I just wanted to say it better.

    (Screw Hemingway. A rose is not a rose, it is an affluence of vibrance, a knobby pillar dappled with gnurled claws to gaurd its crowned beauty of soft and sensous olfactory elegance.)

    ~Matt Booker

  9. Matt, what you’ve said is true. I figured it out for myself multiple times, a little bit more each go around and on the next I’ll learn even more.

    But I find that I still can’t keep it from hurting when I see a, from what I can tell, happy couple. I often find myself asking “How did they meet? How did they figure out that they liked each other? Do they have long, awkward moments of silence with each other where it’s NOT understood that the silence is part of the moment?”

    Basically, I run through my head all the hurdles of starting a relationship and keeping it alive before it takes on a life of its own. It’s a process that, in practice, isn’t that bad. But in theory it’s nightmarish and makes me think that I really am better off on my own.

    On the bright side, it’s not a feeling of impending doom that scares me. Break up are very manageable for me now, with the only thing that really bothers me is the work it’ll take to begin another relationship down the road.

  10. It’s often the case that, when left to his own devices, man builds a prison for himself.

    Or a torture chamber.

    But that seemed a bit much.

    As long as we learn, as long as we grow, a thing which is often best learned by doing, that’s one of those ‘obvious and yet cosmic’ secrets. :)

    ~Matt Booker

  11. “It’s often the case that, when left to his own devices, man builds a prison for himself.

    Or a torture chamber.”

    A rack for your cosmic balls, as it were…

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