It’s time again for Ages WHAT and up?, a feature here on MattBooker.info where I post proof that manufacturers of children’s toys are secretly in the pocket of the porn industry, with the ultimate goal of raising a new generation of deviants.
No, no. That’s crazy talk. Biology is in the pocket of the porn industry.
But that doesn’t make these products any less funny in a awkwardly naked uncle kind of way.
If you can’t relate to that anecdote, it’s not my fault you don’t live in a sitcom.
But today’s featured product certainly is something you should relate to. After all, who among you can say they haven’t ever enjoyed a refreshing beverage from a pretend astronaut’s pants?
That’s just one of those things kids do, like freeze tag or playing doctor Moreau.
Just look at that face. He knows it’s long enough he can ‘drink from his own straw’, but he’s going to make you do it. You’re going to do it, and you’re going to like it.
Buzz wants you to take him to infinity and beyond.
Once again, I have to ask a question that I already know the answer to. How could this possibly have been unintentional on the part of the cup designer?
Oh, but you might be saying to yourself that surely the straw isn’t meant to be in front, that your friendly neighborhood Matt Booker was the one who rotated the cup into that naughty, naughty position.
That’s half correct. The bottom half with the cup does rotate, and the straw can be positioned elsewhere, and I am the one who rotated it into that position.
But what other position is the straw supposed to be in? From the back, it’s no less perverted, and even more so with chocolate milk. Putting the straw to the sides is more innocent, but you’re still drinking from Tim Allen’s pants.
Dear readers, there is only one position that makes sense for the straw to be in. If you’re the kind of kid who wants to drink from an over-sized novelty character cup, why would you want it facing other people?
No, you’d want to be staring down the mug atop your mug. You’d want a face full of Buzz Lightyear.
Unless you’re really into chocolate milk.
Hate me for ruining your nephew’s favorite drinking cup?
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