Today here on MattBooker.info, I’ve got a somewhat unusual edition of Questionable Gourmet. Normally this feature is about strange or cool things that I cook, including recipes on how you can do the same.
However, today’s post is about something strange that I ate. So consider this a review…
And a warning.
Now, before we get started on this I should mention that I don’t eat potato chips often. They usually leave me feeling gross and they’re just not as delicious as they sound like they’re going to be.
And they do often sound delicious. Taco flavored? Sour cream and onion flavored? KC Masterpiece flavored? CHEESEBURGER FLAVORED? PHILLY CHEESE STEAK FLAVORED?
All of those sound delicious, but they don’t meet the expectations promised by the packaging. At best they’re just tasty, and if it’s a specialty flavor like cheeseburger or cheese steak then at the very least they probably aren’t going to taste like those things. Not even close.
But I found a bag of chips that was so odd that it was hard to resist trying them. And it wasn’t like this was a bottle of mashed potatoes and gravy flavored Jones’ Soda, where it was likely to be more gross than good. These promised a flavor that at least seemed compatible with also being a potato chip.
It was a bag of Fire Roasted Sweet Corn Potato Chips by Herr.
And you know what?
THEY ACTUALLY TASTE LIKE BUTTERED SWEET CORN.
Really. They actually do.
It was a weird texture difference, because my tongue registered the taste but I was clearly eating a potato chip. Sort of like when you take a bite of a really nice looking meat cake (if you don’t know what that is, it’s sort of like meatloaf layered with and covered by smoothed mashed potatoes, with ketchup piping so that it looks like a fancy cake).
It tasted awesome!
For the first few chips.
A handful of chips later and my gut was roiling.
Whatever lab-corncocted tom-fuckery they had used to produce such flavors had quickly dissolved into something that felt like I’d just swallowed a chemistry set. Even the taste in my mouth, though it was still like buttered corn, was sickening.
And it wouldn’t go away.
I brushed my teeth and it was still there. I used mouth wash and it was still there. I ate some mint-flavored antacids and it was still there!
Have you ever seen that episode of Invader Zim where Dib’s sister Gaz gets cursed so that everything she tastes has the flavor of pork?
That was kind of like this. Even water tasted like buttered corn!
I even took some Alka-Seltzer before I went to bed, and it did nothing to stop the rolling boil that was going on in my stomach.
But hey, a good few hours of sleep would fix that. Right?
When I woke up, after what I’m assuming was the entire top layer of taste buds collectively having a blue screen of death, the taste was gone from my tongue!
But I still had buttered sweet corn flavored burps.
Those didn’t go away until after breakfast AND lunch.
It felt like I’d eaten something out of a bad 1950’s horror movie, and that my gut was now the breeding ground for an alien army of corn monsters, each burp a harbinger of their hordes bursting forth to wreak unimagined horror on the host of man… until their untimely demise, their kernels popped under the heat of Earth’s mid-day summer sun.
I need to contact the producers of Sharknado.
So, do I recommend trying Herr’s Fire Roasted Sweet Corn Potato Chips?
Only if you want everything from the water you drink to the air you breathe to taste like buttered sweet corn, and if you’re willing to put up with a stomach ache that can best be described as, “OH FUCK ALL THOSE HIPPIES WERE RIGHT ABOUT THE EVILS OF GENETICALLY MODIFIED CORN.”
So, dear readers, have you tried these malefactors of modern chemistry? Are you secretly from the planet Corm?
Either way, your neighbors know.
So leave a comment and let me know too!