No. You know what? Just, no. Today’s segment is far more disturbing than anything I’ve yet featured here on this segment. I tried doing the normal intro, but this thing is just too creepy for that.
So where to begin, then?
First lets establish something– I barely know what Duck Dynasty is. I know it’s a tv show about a group of bearded dudes who make duck calls, and I’ve heard it’s wholesome family entertainment where they don’t even swear on camera. Okay, cool.
But I started to see merchandise in stores. And by ‘started to see’ I mean ‘IT IS EVERYWHERE’. There’s some guy with painfully ‘wacky’ catchphrases on shirts, which seems normal at first, but there’s also little girls shirts with the brand. Again, this is a show about guys in camo with beards who make duck calls. And they are on shirts for little girls.
Maybe I’m being judgmental or sexist or something.
What else do they have?
Lets see here… pillows, fake beards, glasses and cups, hats, bobble heads, talking dolls, talking ducks like the billy bass, key chains, watches, lighters, puzzles, lunchboxes, blankets, chap stick, and even their own brand of wine.
Okay. That’s a bit excessive, but nothing creepy.
And then I saw they were selling Duck Dynasty nail files, and tweezers, and–
That’s a man’s face on a bath pouf. A dude with a beard, on a bath pouf.
As a man, I was unaware of what a bath pouf even was. But a quick google search later and I feel like I need a bath.
For those of you not aware, a bath pouf is kind of like a lacy sponge. Sort of a Victoria’s Squarepants, if you will. You get it sopping wet, slather on some soap, and then use it to lather up your stinky bits.
Think about that for a moment.
This guy really exists, and his face is on a product you’re using to scrub where the sun don’t shine.
So, dear readers, am I playing this up for laughs, or is there at least some truth to the creepy connotations behind grabbing a plastic face by the beard and rubbing its frilly lace all over your unclean body? Is this more or less creepy than Duck Dynasty Underoos?
Leave me a comment and let me know! And don’t forget, you can use the social links below to spread a word or a warning to your unwashed friends!